Do you have a cough due to a cold?

So I havent blogged in awhile, not really sure why but nevertheless Im here now. So lets break all this down: "Jenny" abused, abandonment issues, sexual promiscuity, drug addictions, lack of education, no real sense of family, unstable carreer , no self awareness/identity and she says: "Forrest, Im sick" and he replies, "Do yo have a cough due to a cold".......No you dumbass....she is SICK..like severe mental issues, UNTSABLE, INCAPABLE of TRUE COMMITMENT, SELFISH, MANIPULATIVE, DISHONEST, CONFUSED, SCARED, LONELY, ANGRY.. I might add.. rightfully so ... ( but nevertheless, you've know this since first grade, in my case 13 years) The best advice Jenny every gave you was to RUN FORREST RUN, but heck no you stay because you are going to save her, she will see that you are different, that you can be trusted and relied upon, that you will not abandon her, you are going to love her like nobody has, you are going to be the hero, show her support and compassion, you are going to be stable and consistent enough for the both of you, you are going to be kind, passionate, loving , comitted through good times and bad, you will be giving and encouraging, you will be strong and disciplined and structured, you will be her family, her friend, her partner, her lover, and in the end she still leaves you and breaks your heart. AND what's so sad is she never dealt with the pain and heartache of her own past.. she was wounded and lost when you met her and all the what if's will never change that...and that's all I have to say about that!

Lt. Dan, Ice Cream!!!!

OK so I'm on the phone with my dad, the same man that would ground me for something stupid I did as a teenager, the same man that would yell at me and tell me how disappointed he and my mother were over whatever it was I did that time ( I'm quite sure it was irresponsible, dangerous and just out right DUMB)ain't hat right KM? But this is the same man that in a few hours later would feel like he had been to hard on me or that my mother had been to hard on me and then would take me out for ice cream? WTF? Like ice cream was gonna make it all better? Let me out of the grounding so I can hang with my friends, that's what will make it better pops!!!!! I might add now as a parent myself, I too can be little hard and maybe a little overbearing on my teenager and have on occasion felt bad and took him for ice cream..actually some of my best conversations have happened while eating ice cream...so today I'm on the phone with my dad and my 3 year old niece hears the ice cream man's van and starts screaming at the top of of her lungs.. "ice cream ! ice cream! ice cream!".. so of course I gotta go get her an ice cream otherwise this most precious child will not stop making the most awful ear piercing noise Ive ever heard in my life. So we go outside and the ice cream man has gone!!!! but she can still hear is little musical van.. so my sister, my five year old niece and my 3 year old niece, who I might add is wearing green rain boots on a sunny day and myself take off running down the street in search of the ice cream man... my sister first, then the five year old and then me bringing up the rear with the 3 year old slowing me down because of those darn rain boots. So I scream ahead to my sister, "this is crazy, he's gone, we are never gonna find him" and my 3 year old niece running her little heart out looks up at me and says, " we can do this, we can do this".. WOW!!!!!!!!! and guess what? she was right, we found him, we did it!!!! and her little face just lighted up!! So we got our ice cream and enjoyed a peaceful walk back to the house and all was right with in world of my 3 year old niece and for the moment everything was good with me. I CAN DO THIS.. I can over come all this heartache and pain. I can accomplish anything if I just believe as my 3 yr. old niece does... and if not ICE CREAM will make it all better.

I Gotta Go Pee

My sunday started out at work until 3:00 and after a quick wardrobe change, I like so many sunday afternoons in the past rightfully took my seat at Boscos and ordered my first of what was to become many midtown browns at 4:00. What the heck I hadnt eaten all day so I ordered a steak sandwich too. Life was good. I was alone and we all know I dont do "alone" very well these days, nevertheless I was enjoying myself ( that so didnt sound right) but I think you get the idea and if you dont I dont care.. its my blog!!! So about hour and half later that whole realization of I really am alone thing kicked in and so did those midtown browns, which made it real hard for my eyes to stay dry and real easy for me to feel sorry for myself. I went to pee a couple of times during that first hour an half, didnt even mind if I had to stand in line because there was nobody waiting on me back at the bar. Took my time so I could dry my eyes and fake looking halfway appropriate in a social setting. I wasnt in any hurry, there was nobody waiting on me, no conversation to rejoin or even a good converstaion to ease drop on. All these people around me, laughing, drinking, sharing stories.. just living in the moment and all I could think was.. I have nobody here to say Ill be right back, "I GOTTA GO PEE".. you know you say it, we all say it.. even Forrest said it to JFK.. so I told the bartender, whom Im quite sure by now thinks Im crazy. So I figure its time to go, besides I actually had someplace to be by 6:30 (sorry MD)and then just like one little, two little, three little indians.. if you build they will come thing...Friends and loved ones(AKA those people you say I gotta go pee too) first there was one, then a little while later 3 more, then a little later 2 more.... the beverages were flowing along with the conversations and so were those trips to the bathroom, except this time I had somebody waiting for me, somebody that cared, somebody to come back to , people that enjoyed being around me, people that were interested in the things I had to say, people that had missed me ... I guess my point to all this is to take note of the little things in life because when they are gone its truly amazing just how big they really were.

Happy Memorial Day!!!

COMMITMENT

OLDER NOW AND STILL RUNNING AGAINST THE WIND

He got a daddy named Forrest too?

I don't have any biological children of my own, but does that make me any less of a parent to the one I have helped raise for the last 13 years. The one I have loved like nobody else or ever will love again, the one that I have supported physically, emotionally and financially, the one I have encouraged, the one I have praised, the one I have disciplined, the one I worry about, the one I want to succeed, the one I have delighted in watching grow from a mere child to a young adult, the one I have given guidance to, the one that when he hurts I too hurt, the one I have played with, the one I have been a teacher to and help study with, the one I have tried to instill qualities such as honesty, respect, accountability and responsibility, the one that I would lay down my life for... for the past 13 years of my life every decision I made, every choice, every feeling, every activity, every action and every word had something to do with that child and/or that child's life.. I'm not saying everything I did was right.. I have certainly made mistakes along the way.. What parent doesn't? There isn't a rule book or a manual, although sometimes we wish there was. My point is we all want the best for our children and we try to act in his or her best interest, sometimes to a fault. There comes a time in ever child's life where they have to learn to stand on their own, make their own decisions and benefit from the rewards or suffer from the consequences of those decisions. I haven't seen my son in about two& 1/2 weeks, I miss him something awful, I feel like he is slipping further and further away from me and there is nothing I can do about it. My only solace is that I hope that one day he knows what a special wonderful most precious gift he has been in my life and that my influence on him the past 13 years has been a positive one. I love you son. P.S. I think "Joseph" was a step parent too!!!

I gotta find Bubba!!!!!

FRIENDSHIP: Support, Loyalty,Trust,Respect,Love, Empathy,Compassion,Companionship Undertanding,Commitment, Dependable, Responsible, Accountable...We all have people in our lives that we have encountered along the way from childhood to adulthood that have touched our soul in such a way that we can never forget them. Some are closer than others, some are still in our lives today and then there are some we have lost touch with over the years and even perhaps there are some that we have longed to reconnect with and may or may not have been given another opportunity to do so... REGARDLESS that person impacted your life in one way or another and you impacted theirs. For me, I hope you know who you are and if you dont let me say now...THANK YOU for being my friend...THANK YOU for your LOVE, your LAUGHS and your LOYALTY!!!! AGAIN in true Forrest Gump fashion I want to be the type of friend that will say... "I GOTTA GO FIND BUBBA" and over the years I know I havent been that person and Im realizing that life is to short.. its a one way trip...no mulligans in life....LIVE HARD and LOVE HARD!!!! DEAR GEORGE: REMEMBER, NO MAN IS A FAILURE THAT HAS FRIENDS.

"Why dont you love me, Jenny?"

Moma says,"life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get". Well if that isnt the damn truth!!!!!! So simple even a child can understand it, but not a 42 year old lost in love after 13 years...What is it with that number anyway? Or is it just me? Come on Im not the only one... I know there are lots of you out there going through the same heartache and pain that I am...SOMEBODY BROKE YOUR HEART, BUT YOU STILL LOVE THEM WITH ALL THE PIECES!!!!! So now what? Where do I go from here? How do I pick up those pieces and start loving , laughing and living again? If somebody could just tell that damn gerbil to stop spinning that damn wheel in my head...you know the wheel im talking about dont you? The one that spins around that emotional rollercoaster of sadness, anger, frustration, insecurities, worthlessness, fear, rejection, loneliness, confusion, abandoned, used, manipulated, lied to, unloved, unappreciated, scared, hurt, shame and that dreaded question of all.. "If only I had done this or done that, said this or said that, was more patient, more kind, more giving, more understanding, more loving , more attentive and less moody, less selfish, less judgmental, less posessive and less controlling"....he/she would have never left.....Why do people never stay together anymore? Why me ? Why cant I get a second chance? Ive been over it a thousand times and still cant forgive or make peace with myself.. self help books arent working, therapy isnt working, staying out all night drinking with strangers dosent work , eating my feelings hasnt helped , nor has starving myself or exercising myself to death. Not to mention begging and losing every bit of dignity I had. I havent given up on praying, my family or my friends...WAIT!!! let me rephrase that ... NONE OF THEM HAVE GIVEN UP ON ME!!!! So Im at wits end, about to cash in my chips, take my toys and go home, get lost in the rock and roll and drift away.....THEN!!! The simplicity of none other than FORREST GUMP!! Who lives in the moment and has no expectations of others....he has simplicity of thought...no gerbil spinning a wheel or running in circles overwhelming the mind of Forrest. Live and Let Live..so often the complexities of our lives inhibits us from really living.....so in the words of Forrest.... "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get". Dosent get any simpler than that and I just saved myself a $30 therapy co-pay!!!!